Acute Bronchitis Sucks

I'm so tired of being sick; fuck cigarettes.
I've missed five of the last seven days of school - my first sick days all year - and it's driving me apeshit. I don't feel so horrible I feel incapable of doing things, but I feel shitty, and I'm not really capable of speech. At home, I don't talk all day; when roommates get home, even five minutes of conversation was enough to send me into coughing spasms intense enough for me to vomit.
I tried to go in last week, and coughed so much I started spraying blood from my nose by the afternoon. (That will get a class quiet and terrified real fast.)

Anyway, I'm getting stir-crazy at home, though I've gotten tons of grading and things done. Today, it hit me mid-afternoon (though it had occurred to me last night) that it was my ex's birthday. I was pissed at myself for knowing, for giving a fuck, for wondering what her birthday was like.

I was pissed at myself, because I thought of the last two February 9th's. To be fair, nothing crazy happened on either; or at least, nothing that I was a part of. I was stuck in initiations in 2008, and in 2009, the Vagina Monologues were nigh. But nice things happened to commemorate the occasion; modern dance and Mediterranean food with wine and blindfolds, a crammed Manhattan cafe watching a three-piece group perform beatboxed versions of Peter and the Wolf and other things.

One of those days was two weeks before I was cheated on; the other may have been during such a time period, for all I know.

I'm so tired of thinking of all these old things, and for tying them to doubts and dark things when I do think of them, that they can't even be nice memories.

I want to ache in a good way, to feel excellent pain; to feel like I'm electrified by someone.

I dug this out of an old blog:
"I was doing laundry this morning, and it occurred to me that I want to burn. It was a way of describing it that just came into my head. Earlier I'd written about having someone to do special things with, but this is just some kind of way to put it--I want to burn. This isn't a desire as bad as the others, but this would be nice--to have a hand brush down the back of my neck and feel like there's high-voltage wires under my skin, like there's a thousand butterfly wings dancing just beyond my skin, to feel like there's a howling wind in my ears, and like much of the world's disappearing when I talk to them. Because there's little else important enough to jump on my radar. that's burning. when there is just such a jolt because you were talking to someone or you brushed by them or just looked back over your shoulder and felt your skin burn. "

Tonight, I just drove, I sat, I went and lesson planned in a gay bar with roommates.

Haha - oh man, Phoenix, you and I do some weird shit.