Habit Mathematics

(Click the "poetry" tag to see other poems and songs more easily.)

I just replied to a craigslist posting seeking erotica; if I could make cash writing that, that would be a nice sidejob. A little absurd, but pretty fun - I submitted a thousand words from an old story I wrote for an ex, which was easy enough, because I also have no idea how legit the posting is.

I also signed up on Associated Content and Gather; I want to see if I can post things and make some side cash. That would be sexy, pun intended.

Last night, 3 of my kids came to the Black Pearl Slam, and I was so happy about it. I re-did "They Are," which was what they had come to hear anyway. It occurred to me that I haven't put any rhymes or poems up here in awhile; here's one that I already have typed up, called "Habit Mathematics."

I'm a simple man, and
God knows I’ve got no plan
I’ve got tattoos to mix with my scars
I’ve got this new predilection for bars
Where I can sit and break my heart
Freeze, and fucking rip myself apart
It’s fun,’cuz it makes the words start

Yeah, I’m an addict
But there’s a mathematics to my habits
There’s benediction in my addiction
And all kinds of seduction in this self-destruction
I pay in the black and the blue and the brown
Let it take me up like a plane bound to go down
I fall to my knees and rip these words out of the ground

I’ve never really been a fan of the warmth in the whiskey
It doesn’t help me forget all those that don’t miss me
And the caramel’s no replacement for the way you used to kiss me
I’d rather play with my salt and tequila
So I don’t have to think about who gets to feel ya
I’ve spent my time sobbing and drunk, sober and bitter
I’ve planned my pointless pathetic plots on the shitter
Now I grab a pen and a brew to wash away the blues
Seconds after I get home and kick off my shoes
I could be afraid, I could feel fear
But not after I’ve cracked open a couple of beers
I sit and I scribble, flow till I’m serene
My body gets dirty but my mind stays clean
It’s a lie but it’s what I do when I flow
When I write and don’t care if you know
I sit and I spaz until the rooster crows
Keeping warm in the cold light of the fact that everybody goes
Sitting here with my pen in my hand
I don’t know if this is the measure of a man
It’s kinda silly and anybody can
I could be drifting off in bed
But I’d rather write the things I should’ve said
All the leftover thoughts rolling around in my head
Two legs spread wide and waiting in the toolshed

Yeah, I’m an addict
But there’s a mathematics to my habits
There’s benediction in my addiction
And all kinds of seduction in this self-destruction
I pay in the black and the blue and the brown
Let it take me up like a plane bound to go down
I fall to my knees and rip these words out of the ground

I spark up my bic fairy
And light up a new cherry
As the flavor hits my lungs
I let go of the bottom rung
I can feel the smoke inside burning
And my stomach finally stops turning
It takes on the slow stillness of death
The hard pride of absolutely nothing left
I let the smoke billow through my car
While I’m cruising to and from the bar
Maybe these cigarettes make my hands shake
But something else slows em down so I can sit and make
So I can paint pictures with my words
Get high and fly with the birds
I push myself, and pretend that I’m great
Keep track of my lonely travels through these dirty states
Happiness, joy, lust and despair
Twist em together to give and to share
Now the coffee’s got my mind’s humming
My heart pounding my leg drumming
I can feel the words man, they’re coming
In my veins I got the nicotine seeping
For now my heart’s still beating
While the words keep on keepin
Another hit but now it’s my breathing
Getting a little choked and soft
My pulse is starting to get off
Wonder if I’m getting that smoker’s cough
Sitting here burning out the lining of my nose
With smoke soaking into my clothes
Before long, we all gotta go
What your time might be, nobody knows
Maybe speeding mine up is the price of a flow
Yeah, I’m an addict
But there’s a mathematics to my habits
There’s benediction in my addiction
And all kinds of seduction in this self-destruction
I pay in the black and the blue and the brown
Let it take me up like a plane bound to go down
I fall to my knees and rip these words out of the ground

Now, I savor the pain
So my words flow like the wheels on a train
Blind, fast, insane
In case you ain’t figured it out yet
This last is the reason I sweat
Taking words and put ‘em to a rhythm so I can ride
Like the bodies of enemies killed I don’t bother to hide
I’d rather put ‘em on display,
put ‘em on a page, lock, load, spray
I can feel ‘em coming night and day
They take hold of me
They get control of me
Whenever they fit the sound
You gotta be quick to write ‘em down
Before you forget it
Because if you let it get it away
You might get stuck with nothing to say
It would kill me because I gotta let ‘em out
They thrill me and now I can’t go without
I love it, I live it
I eat it, I breathe it
So I don’t’ get mad at myself
When I’m all kinds of bad to myself
No, I didn’t get no sleep this week
But the way I see it, sleep is for the weak
The sweets and the treats don’t go to the meek
Go hard, baby, and stay out late
Your only hope of beating back fate
So what if I up the pace
With a case to the face
It helps my pen chase
All the words I can find
In the valley of my mind
As I lay their bodies on the page
I’m making gunpowder out of my rage
So maybe I’m all torn up and I’m a mess
Get some popcorn and admire my distress
‘cuz I can sit in a storm and feel blessed
I know how to keep warm in the shadow of death

Yeah, I'm an addict
But there’ s a mathematics to my habits