gutshot puppy

This one's random -

I felt like making up a explanation of loss to tie together all my tattoos; I had the first section written for something else; and many other pieces were chunks of other poems that didn't work. I kind of like how I made all of this fit together, though.

gutshot puppy

I know they say
to love like you’ve never been hurt
but I’m a moth drawn to flame
broken burnt and I’d say
I’m not the same
but it feels like everything I know of it
and believe I can tell you how it goes
I’ve got etched in my skin; my experience shows
you should know
my tattoos are like chosen scars
a stitched record of where I’ve run so far
the stuff I want to remember
and a pile I need to forget
even with the ink, I’ll lose ‘em
I’m keeping faith it just hasn’t happened yet
check it
picture a gutshot puppy
Cupid shot my belief with a double-barrel
so I don’t know what to make
of love
because I hear her climax in every album
I ever felt her shake to
and my mind feeds my stomach memories
until I sit with a belly full of buckshot
these pellets are agony
made of Spanish sun-dappled patios
and crisp blueberry beer
on chilly Connecticut porches
of peanut butter milkshakes
and frantic backseat sex
outside the auto parts store
of chicken wings and chickenhead
flying through the valley
of theatrical make-up and tangled lovers
that never flew as straight
as the crow flies
of a light that connected eyes
and burnt the air between
with the raw belonging of each other’s arms
of snuggled stoned teddy bears
with pounds of icing
and fresh deep dish delivery
of having it all and throwing it away
of having it all and being thrown away
again and again
is it better to have loved and lost
then never to have loved at all
then why do we say
ignorance is bliss
now I know what I miss
what I let slip away
and I also wonder
if any of my loves were real
if they matter
when you can leap and fall
knowing someone will pick up the pieces
does it really excite?
can I really care
when I know the steps to a relationship
to compromise and passion
can I really care if that’s all love is?
repeatable
reproducible
reproductive if you fuck (it up)
I etched my arm
with aspirations of flight
because I wanted freedom
from the burden of my crushed pride
but I lacked the strength
to jump from the ledge
so I just fell and crashed
into a curly haired New Yorker
again and again and again
now I can’t decide
if it’s still hate fucking
when the person you despise
is yourself
but this is one mistake
I love to make far too often
and she helps stop the hole
these words spill out of
they wrap around my arm
like the sheet of gray rain
that drowned out the subway tunnels
and soaked my pillow with salty tears
as I lay there waiting and wasting
until New York lips parted the clouds
turning the words from a lie
to a half-truth
I can see
I believe
It’s all up to me
half true only partly because
my arm bleeds roses
for six women I didn’t protect enough
who were almost torn apart
by a love that burned slow
like gonorrhea and cancer
I can tell you it’s the time that we kill
that keeps us alive
but I’ve watched love
go from eight inches deep
to six feet under
we would kill each other
three times a day
and kill the day in between
but I must be an assassin
I’m so adept at delivering the coup de grace
to all the time we spent together
together we swore
that if you breathe what we do
and bleed in red too
then I won’t consume you
we lived and learned
but neither of us won
I know I lost
joined fists raised at a rally
and defiant banners
Bonnie and Clyde against the world.
For all the resolve I had and we shared
I consumed you
red blood and vibrant lungs all
and like yesterday’s food
turned us to shit
it’s so good to burn
but fire consumes its fuel
and this flaming moth
with a buckshot belly
prays that everytime something ends
it brings the beginning of something else
you know every time the sun sets
it’s going to rise again
but I’m sick of looking for the next one
I’m sick of the drinks I drink
in between sipping someone who matters
and still not finding my strawberry milkshake
I’m sick of thinking it’s a cycle in the first place
sick of ending up last when I put you first
life isn’t a race anyway, it’s a ride
so throw your hands up
and let the g-forces pull your screams
into a rictus of delicious deviance
the end is only a few feet behind the beginning
just hop back on and go again
even if you didn’t like the ride
but girl, fucking listen
I’m a teddy bear
I’m hairy and fuzzy and scratchy and cuddly
let me put my arms around you
let me hold you to me
and let me be the one you squeeze while you sleep
let be the one you curse at
and throw against the wall
when you can’t find your keys
let me the one
you leave on the floor forgotten
just let me the one
if only for a time
I’m so good at killing it
it’s all we’ve got, and it’s running out
so I’m burning my fuse to midnight
broken slippers and rotten pumpkins
when I let another peter pumpkin eater
scavenge the pieces of your fruit
but in the meantime
bring those predator eyes to bear on this bear
and let me know I’m home
I’m a wolf, I can run alone
I can take it
I can walk these lonely miles
but I want to run them with you
I want to bite you
I want to break you
like a tiger ready to pounce
and leave some marks
in your back
ever watch a cat
writhe and arch its back?
seen it take its time and enjoy its meal
before it kills it?
then you’ve got an idea
of what I can do for you
imagine the power in a snow leopard
I could save all that for you
because I’ve barely got a skeleton hand grip
on the steering wheel of my life
you can only move as fast
as who’s in front of you
so face me
and let me take you
from zero to finished
as fast as your engine can handle
maybe you can love like you’ve never been hurt
but I can love you until it hurts
and I think that maybe
you can only love if you’ve been hurt
you already know that this ticking time bomb
roller coaster ride
has a circular track
so you remember to ride it
until you get whiplash
love’s a good hurt at the best of times
and a magnificent car crash
when it’s even better
I know
I’ve lit cigarettes for after
while I lay on the bridges I’d burned
I’m a puppy, a wolf, a tiger
I’m a teddy bear
I know we can say goodbye
as soon as we say hello
that the last straw weighs less
than the first brick in the wall
but you should still
stop and say hello
if you’ve ever seen a dog drinking water
you already know
this puppy gives good bye