Silly Bitch, Happiness Is For Kids

(Yes, the "bitch" refers to me)
Well, hey. Bluntness always solves the matter. It came in regular Espeak, but the upshot of the words was

Yes, I still love you the same way most of the time.
No, I don't want anything with you. I miss some things from our relationship, but I don't miss the basic elements of how I felt as a person with you.
Also, I still think of you and feel love for you, but onlyy in old stale places where we used to be. New things and new contexts push that away.
(Gee...those lines I wrote about her seeing me as static rather than dynamic ring sucker-punch to the nuts-true right now, I must really seem like a fucking lunk if I seem that inadaptable)
--Whereas, new contexts make me burn for her. Not this daily trudge which constitues much of my time; I like the emotional independence I didn't have before, which I gain from dealing with that shit on my own, from building my own emotional reserves. But a beach, a concert, rock climbing--they all make me miss her, and appreciate her for the things I could see her adding to the situation. I miss her in new contexts for the chance to share that experience with her, to build and grow together. I love trying new things, but I just witness people in them and have the consistent realizatioon that she would be phenomenal in that context--and that I wish we were partners for that ride.

I gained the knowledge in college
that no sea of willing p
could help me to be
can give me what I need to have
your eyes your smile your laugh
your breath your touch
I miss 'em so much
your spirit your smell
lost both and I'm caught in hell
sobbing and drunk sober and bitter
planning pointless pathetic plots on the shitter
now I'm a brokenhearted shitty ass poet
I'm a dumbfuck ugly fuckup and I know it

Is it better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all?
I don't know I can't and I won't make that call
I'm so glad for what we had
but now you've left and I'm feeling so bad
I've heard that ignorance is bliss
and now that I know what life is like with you
what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
It's already happened
I know your kiss
loved and lost? I've met you
I can't forget you
I refused to say you're lost
want to believe that you're just taking your time
wandering footloose before you come back to be mine

But I'm stupid for thinking that
By now I should've learned
that you're never coming back
I was silly for thinking such things
living in another stupidfuck hick dream
one i've reached before and got shot
once again, what I thought it was, it was not
that we're in different places
could give me a small hope
but that's just another length of rope
to hang myself and choke
different places is what proves we're done
because i've been there before
took the route of fucking till sore
trying to get someone out of my system
it never really cured the pain of missin' em
she said before she left that it felt good
to bear someone's weight again
and it cut because "someone" could be any of many men
and there's no need for me to be a single one of them
it was nonchalant but it cut deeper than I can find
because I hadn't known I wasn't what she wanted in her mind
I don't think passion ever completely fades
but what separates it from love
is that it dims through the days
and she told me straight to my face
that's what would happen to our feelings
said it after, as I'm lying staring at the ceiling
said it had already started, even before we parted
not the first time she laid a bomb on me
after she hopped off me,
left me empty and broken-hearted
she realized it wasn't me when I was fighting for her
that's when she knew I wasn't the one
guess that's what you get for trying
---bad move, son
and I shouldn't've held on, I should've let go
I hadn't figured it out then, and now I know
she thought my reactions were forever
thought I was static that I'd always be the same
but I'd sat thought, and independent of her, had already begun to change
back she came pleasantly surprised
but my chance to shine in her eyes
has passed, that's how time flies
so it was ever really there
it's not now, our future we wont' share
so while I'm growing up and
shedding my need for affirmation
I get to learn about giving up
and accepting dissatisfaction

Fuck.

I'm screwed. I think the shittiest part was hearing that new things help her forget, and comparing that to how new things remind me. This can only end in shit. How silly is it to want to see her over Thanksgiving? How drastic is it to not, and ensure that I go a year without seeing her outside of a New Jersey news segment (immediately post being partners and definitely during still being in love with her)?