Naivete

I have been extraordinarily naive. I have spent the last three solid months pining after someone, wishing they would have me. How silly.

She was screwing people in California.

She said that doesn't include the horticulturalist, but, after all, she lied to me when she got back--Why believe her now? I would think it might include the kind 30 year old who just happened to let her crash at his place. After all, that's a bit strange.

And when I came back from Club Red, I slipped, and looked at her facebook photos. I wonder how many of those people had her.

If she could lie to me, and tell me she hadn't so much as kissed anyone, then what other lies did I believe? Not just in the last few months, but in the last two years? I mean, that's not exactly a simple lie of omission; that's a I'm-holding-your-hand-lying-in-your-bed-looking-you-in-the-eye-and-feeding-you-a-fucking-whopper. No, I didn't kiss anyone, I just fucked them. While I was thinking about how I didn't want you anymore. Sorry.

She trained for that bike trip on my bike, which she then gave me back, broken. She offered to fix it six months later. Thanks. And on my birthday, she sent me a 57 cent fart whistle. I'm glad you remembered to celebrate my birthday. In fact, I wonder who she fucked on my birthday. After all, we weren't together; but she was still sending me plenty of "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and "I wish we were snuggling" and "I miss your brain, J" type text messages. It's just heartwarming to know that the person you wanted to marry was still sending you loving text messages, and probably riding someone else's dick on you birthday.

Oh yeah, and she said I was "better." Physically, and...emotionally, I suppose? I doubt it. Why not feed the poor sap a little lie to salvage some of his ego?

I wonder what Debra's facial expression meant when she realized who I was. Probably pity; I'm sure she spent several hours laughing at my expense with E before E came over to my place.

Also, she had sex with me with no condom. Joyous. I wonder if I caught anything.

She said she's "currently revising" her opinions on hookups. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I guess I'll ask her, out of morbid curiosity. She probably won't tell me, but that's just as well. It's not as if I really need to know who she's been fucking on campus, or as if it really matters, in any case. I do wonder what her mind's been chewing on in terms of her new "stance" on sexuality, if only because it seemed like a loaded term.

Also, I wonder if she's had sex with Sean. He seems a likely candidate, and I'm actually kind of happy for him.

I wonder if she felt sparks when she fucked people in Cali, when she screwed around on campus, and if she was telling the truth when she said she did when she screwed me, but again, it (a) doesn't really matter anymore and (b) why believe the truth about the latter? I suppose I should be glad I never called her phone and heard a guy answer, but it's not exactly silly to think that there wasn't someone lying next to her. Or doing the same thing I used to do--trying to make her give away the fact that someone was pleasuring her while she was on the phone. That's a fun thought--I wonder if she's talked to me while someone else has been inside her? Why not? She's revising her stance.

Subsidiarily, I shouldn't flatter myself and think that I was pleasuring her while she was on the phone.

You know what's strange? I remember when Amelia was in Spelman talking about how they were going to have a blast in their room next year, and then she (presumably) thought about how that could be taken awkwardly by me, and she gave me a strange look and then the topic changed. That facial expression popped into my mind, and my first thought was "Well, yup. That's happening."

My second thought is to wonder if Amelia knew then that Emily would be single by the time she got back to campus. Had Emily decided back then that she wouldn't be with me? That would make sense. I don't know why she kept playing with me for so long--for a TransAm trip, dating me, taking me to Denver....

Maybe just inertia. I can't blame her. We're all guilty of that. And that just means that her thought about "I don't really need to be with him" started back then--and she alluded to that on the phone.

Okay, fuck it. I am pretty annoyed that we spent weeks going back and forth about whether or not we were going to be together, and the whole time, she knew it wasn't going to last, because she wasn't interested in me anymore. She'd already told her friends that she'd be a single chica by the time she got back to campus.

So why did you keep leading my hopeful, dumb, puppy ass along?

I wonder if you've read this far; I wonder if you'll answer. I don't expect it; you didn't reply to anything else I wrote about you, other than to mention you read this, to which I can only presume that you were caustically amused or casually nonplussed by my suffering: "I read it. I'm surprised you're still friends with me." Did you enjoy knowing that I was still your lapdog, even after I'd felt all that? Did you give a fuck at all after reading the poem I posted last week?

If you answer, can I believe you?